On August 31, 2007, professional scientist George La George, a scientist specializing in the eventual end of the world, announced a shocking discovery in his field. But you probably already know that. What you don’t know, though, is the story behind it. Read on to find out the truth from me, Chinchilla Gourmet, a wonderful…
On July 28th, 2022, professional speaker and self-appointed “inspiration liaison” William Wellington gave a profound and somewhat startling speech. His speech, given to a crowd of about 300, was about the meaning of life, among other confusing and similarly frustrating topics. “The speech was difficult to listen to,” eyewitness Rebecca Richardson confidently said to the…
Tomatoes are commonly seen around many a grocery store, restaurant, or garden. And to some, this may seem perfectly ordinary, perfectly usual, and no cause for alarm. But in reality, tomatoes are prisms of horribleness never meant for human consumption. What Are Tomatoes, Really? Tomatoes, though commonly perceived to be a member of the fruit…
This article stars Inky “Sir Wonderful” Ankowski and his son, Smudge “The Pudge” Ankowski. If you haven’t heard of them before, or need a refresher on their greatness, click here. Smudge has, in the past, been a quite neglected cat. His father has been on trial for stealing from him, and although he has been…
Everyone who’s anyone knows about Garcia Gloppenhaus, famous politician and celebrity. Howtofornitwits.com has even covered an article with her in it, “Coyote vs. Squirrel – One Town’s Race For Mayor.” If you haven’t read this article before, be sure to check it out first! Gloppenhaus’s Life Story Garcia Gloppenhaus grew up in Springle, Idaho –…
On May 30th, 2022, officials worldwide made it clear: something was definitely up. For weeks before then, many ordinary citizens all around the world would be in the middle of completing a task, only to suddenly get distracted by something else, whether it was a task, person, or even thought. And while it may sound…
Everyone who’s anyone knows that Inky “Sir Wonderful” Ankowski is the world’s most famous and important living thing ever. (If you don’t know this, be sure to click here for all the information your sad little brain has yet to learn.) Everyone who’s anyone also knows that Inky has a son, Smudge “The Pudge” Ankowski….
Everyone who’s anyone knows that on May 5th, 2022, scientists announced that the world is scheduled to be destroyed very soon. But the important knowledge that has been kept secret from most is that cilantro – or a lack, thereof – is the cause of this impending doom. Meet The Scientists Who’ve Discovered It All…
Hold onto your hats, folks! In a shocking new statement on Number 3 News, it was announced that a new course of study will be offered at the prestigious Harvard. Since the widespread notice that nitwits DO exist, and are not in fact mere mythological creatures, many non-nitwits with especially bright minds have been wanting…
Breaking news! Number 3 News has just reported something astonishing, which threw the world into tumult! At midnight last night, Number 3 News anchor Delphine Baron shocked the world by announcing that after the next day, there would be no more brownies left. Let’s get into it. The words “NO MORE BROWNIES” issued from Delphine…
