Crazy Tomato Eaters Are A Real Threat…And They’re Not Going Away
Tomatoes are commonly seen around many a grocery store, restaurant, or garden. And to some, this may seem perfectly ordinary, perfectly usual, and no cause for alarm. But in reality, tomatoes are prisms of horribleness never meant for human consumption.
What Are Tomatoes, Really?
Tomatoes, though commonly perceived to be a member of the fruit family, are not in fact fruits. Nor are they vegetables, meat, or artichokes. In fact, in 246 B.C.E., Gertrude McFuzz invented the tomato.
From stone tablets and other such items, scientists can tell that McFuzz was struggling with something many people today struggle with: boredom. In fact, she was so very bored, that she called a tap dancer over to her house to entertain her. Unfortunately, it just so happens that this tap dancer was not very skilled. He only succeeded in making McFuzz frustrated, and even more bored than before. In regards to this, McFuzz, translated from stone tablets, said,
“Now, tap dancers are great and all, but this one just STANK! Like, real bad. So I had no choice but to throw somethin’ at him.”
– Gertrude McFuzz, translated from stone tablets
That something would change history forever. But first, McFuzz had to make it. To start, she took some pebbles.
Then, she took some water.
Next, she mixed the pebbles and water together, and covered it all in red paint.
Finally, she was done. She had just the thing to throw at the tap dancer. A tomato.
Tomatoes, And What They Mean For All Of Humanity
Now that you know what tomatoes are made of, the next question is, really, what does this mean? Will tomatoes poison you completely and utterly?
And the answer is: yes. Never, ever, ever eat tomatoes. They are full of pebbles and toxic red paint that contributes to the strange flavor and texture of them. If you eat tomatoes, you will likely get a poisonous infection known as “Crazy Tomato-Eater.” Its symptoms include vomiting, sneezing, limbs falling off, and all your guts disappearing, to name a few. Plus, your hair, eyes, and skin could likely change colors, leaving you to look a mess.
But even if you do not become a Crazy Tomato-Eater, tomato-eaters around you are still a threat. These people, proclaiming to “love tomatoes,” will likely offer you tomatoes, convince you to eat them, and become one of them, promising things like “It’s organic!” or “I grew them myself!” Do not fall for this. It is impossible to grow something you make, and likewise, it cannot be “organic.”
Scientists say that if this goes on, and more people continue to eat tomatoes, the world will likely explode. It is also likely that earth will crash into the sun, aliens will land on earth and make it their own, or tomatoes will come alive and eat everything in their paths. Although there is really not much hope for our survival at this point, you can help by not eating tomatoes, and leaving them for throwing purposes only. Thank you.
Sincerely, Bobbert Gregorowitz
I will never eat tomatoes again !!!🍅🥫🤮
DOWN WITH TOMATOES!!!!!!!
I LOVE tomatoes!
I had a house guest named Ellie D. who was a crazy tomato eater, but none of those bad things happened to her. She did eat all my tomatoes, though. Gobbled them like candy – big ones, small ones, cherry ones, heirloom ones… Took the last one with her to eat on the way home. Cleaned me out of tomatoes that girl did! You should interview her to get her perspective on this potentially perilous pass time.