The Facts Behind The Excitable Chipmunk Scare Of 2007: What You Need To Know
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The Facts Behind The Excitable Chipmunk Scare Of 2007: What You Need To Know

On August 31, 2007, professional scientist George La George, a scientist specializing in the eventual end of the world, announced a shocking discovery in his field. But you probably already know that. What you don’t know, though, is the story behind it. Read on to find out the truth from me, Chinchilla Gourmet, a wonderful…

The Meaning Of Life, As Told By Gilbert Ferdcyfull
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The Meaning Of Life, As Told By Gilbert Ferdcyfull

Hi, you wonderful readers! I’m Gilbert Ferdcyfull, a professional journalist! And when I say professional, I really mean professional! In fact, I wrote a whole opinion piece on How To For Nitwits, called “The Best Way To Improve Brainpower Is Tacos!“ Anyways, enough about me! Let’s get onto the article! Well, really, this whole article…

A Lack Of Cilantro Is Leading To The World’s Destruction!
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A Lack Of Cilantro Is Leading To The World’s Destruction!

Everyone who’s anyone knows that on May 5th, 2022, scientists announced that the world is scheduled to be destroyed very soon. But the important knowledge that has been kept secret from most is that cilantro – or a lack, thereof – is the cause of this impending doom. Meet The Scientists Who’ve Discovered It All…

A New Course Offered at Harvard! (And it’s not on Taylor Swift)
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A New Course Offered at Harvard! (And it’s not on Taylor Swift)

Hold onto your hats, folks! In a shocking new statement on Number 3 News, it was announced that a new course of study will be offered at the prestigious Harvard. Since the widespread notice that nitwits DO exist, and are not in fact mere mythological creatures, many non-nitwits with especially bright minds have been wanting…

Want A Fantabulous  Makeover? Just Ask Charlotte Von Sugarswatter
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Want A Fantabulous Makeover? Just Ask Charlotte Von Sugarswatter

Charlotte Von Sugarswatter is a well-known celebrity, whose life work is helping others look their best. Literally everyone who’s anyone is familiar with her company, “Sugar-Sweet Makeovers,” but you might be surprised to hear her backstory. Sugarswatter’s Company Sugarswatter has been advertising her company as long as she’s had it, and it really has worked….