A Fierce Debate Over Magical Elves Threatens To Tear Humanity Apart

On July 28th, 2022, professional speaker and self-appointed “inspiration liaison” William Wellington gave a profound and somewhat startling speech. His speech, given to a crowd of about 300, was about the meaning of life, among other confusing and similarly frustrating topics.

“The speech was difficult to listen to,” eyewitness Rebecca Richardson confidently said to the press. “William Wellington is an inspiration, yes, but at some times I really think he is just a mess.”

It took a team of 12 linguists to analyze and understand the meaning of the speech, and once they did, it was quite a surprise. It seems that Wellington’s confusing mess of a speech was entirely about magical elves.

“The universe has a key, and that vital principle is known as hobgoblins of the otherworldly variant.”

– An excerpt from William Wellington’s speech

Wellington is very well-known and well-trusted by many. On Yelp, he has 4.8 stars for trustworthiness and believability. This is why all of humanity is in such a conundrum over this. Do we believe Wellington’s speech or not? And if we do, what impacts will this have on us?

Some have taken the optimistic route of believing Wellington. One of these few is Stony. Stony is a small boy no one knows much about. Here is what the small boy said: “I think that magical elves exist. Also, I like chocolate.”

This powerful quote proves something incredibly important: no matter what our views of magical elves are, chocolate is always important.

Others are firmly against Wellington’s ideas. “Magical elves are preposterous,” says Starla Relando, CEO of a hamburger restaurant. “I personally am ashamed to be considered the same species of one who would suggest such a thing. And I like chocolate too, so there.”

But the problem isn’t exactly each person’s opinion of the matter, scientist Belinda Minda explained. “Really, it’s more of an issue of how each side – whether Wellington’s telling the truth or not – will impact us in the future.”

So how will it impact us? Scientists have more than a few thoughts on the matter.

In the world where magical elves are the key to everything…

“In this particular scenario, where magical elves do exist, and are critical in the success of the universe, it is expected that these magical elves would be considered extremely glorious, and all would bow down to them. We also would have all the secrets of the universe at our disposal, though, which could impact quite a bit of our lives,” said Minda.

Almost every aspect of the future with magical elves could be predicted, except for one variable. What are the secrets of the universe, and how would knowing them, and having them, affect daily life? Would they change the way we view the magical elves?

While this may seem unclear, one scientist has some answers. Professional scientist Leonard Oswald.

“Hi, I’m Leonard Oswald. I’m a famous scientist. Or I want to be. Anyways, I’m no professional or anything…hey, wait a minute, I am a professional. Ha! Imagine that! I’m a professional scientist! I’m gonna go get a statue of myself built, ‘cuz I’m so professional and whatnot. Bye!”

– Leonard Oswald, professional scientist

In the world where magical elves are not the key to everything…

It is thought that if, in fact, magical elves turn out to not be the answer to it all, the world would be thrown into turmoil. If the well-respected William Wellington lied, who is there to trust? Protests will be held against Yelp, for allowing Wellington to claim that he was much more trustworthy than he actually is – 4.8 stars is not a laughing matter! People will set buildings on fire to get out their feelings. No one will trust anyone, and as such, no business owners will trust their customers, and no customers will trust the sellers. The economy will crash, and everyone will be bankrupt and sad.

“I think that no matter what happens we will be doomed,” said Belinda Minda. “But the idea of magical elves is cool. And chocolate tastes great too.”

So it seems, at least for now, humanity has once again united on the greatness of chocolate. At least, until Wellington’s next speech…