Excitable Nitwits Are The New Biggest Threat Facing Humanity

In the past, there have been various obstacles for humans to survive and get through: predators, starvation, weather, disease, and more. But all of those problems are small bumps in the road compared to the newly-discovered mountain of a problem.

On April 6th, 2022, a small nitwit-child was found walking through the streets of San Francisco. He was found by Officer Bobby “Corn Cobby” Giller, who was patrolling the streets at the time.

“When I first saw the boy,” said the officer, “I was just wondering where his parents were. It was only once I got out of the car and tried to talk to him, did I realize he was a nitwit.”

“I wouldn’t say I was surprised about the boy’s answers, so much as frustrated,” Officer Giller said. “I, as a well-known and beloved police officer, just want to help the public, ya know? I wouldn’t neglect anyone – not even nitwits. They call me “Corn Cobby” for a reason, you know!”

Once Officer Giller confirmed that the boy appeared to be a nitwit, he drove him to the police station in his car. On the matter, Officer Giller says,

“I love my car. It’s the best! It’s shiny and perfect and can fit me inside of it. Plus I can go really fast, and I won’t get a ticket, ‘cuz all my police friends know that I’m a good guy. As I’ve said, they call me “Corn Cobby” for a reason!”

– Officer Bobby “Corn Cobby” Giller

Back at the station, Officer Giller attempted to coax the small nitwit into answering his questions in a sensical manner. Here is a full list of Officer Giller’s questions, and the nitwit’s answers.

Questions	Answers
“Are you lost?”	“Did you ever realize that artichokes are called artichokes because they’re art-y and they choke you?”
“What’s your name?”	“Doughnuts are fluffy and they smell like rats.”
“Where are you going?”	“Lollipops are good if you cover them in fuzz first, but one time my nanny didn’t and then she got sick and barfed everywhere, like BLEH!”
“Where is your nanny?”	“She got ate by rats that smell like doughnuts, and then the doughnuts that smell like rats feasted on her and I WATCHED IT HAPPEN! Heeheehee.”
“Do you have any relatives I can call?”	“Pennies are shiny and also one time I ate one but then I barfed it up two hundred minutes later and that was fun and this other time I ate a whole hundred dollar bill and that was even more fun.”
“Where do you live?”	“I live in a place where rats smell like doughnuts and doughnuts smell like rats and also I tripped down the stairs with a sippy cup and it spilled everywhere and it was AWESOME!”
“Why were you wandering the streets?”	“Antarctica is freezing but I heard they grow lollipops freshly covered in fuzz there so I really want to try them out but I also will be cold so I will walk around with lamps glued to me so I’ll feel better.”
“Do you need a place to live?”	“I like doughnuts and I want to sleep in a doughnut because they’re fluffy and they smell like rats and rats smell good.”
“Do you have a donut for me? I’d really love one.”	“No but one time my sister really wanted a donut but she didn’t have one so instead she ate her toes. It worked out really well! I gave her some ketchup to go with it.”

After all the questions were answered, Officer Giller knew for sure that the child was a nitwit. But what he didn’t know was what to do about it.

“I couldn’t let him leave, ‘cuz he might get into trouble somewhere and be completely clueless,” said Officer Giller. “So while I tried to figure out what to do, I took the child out for ice cream. All kids love ice cream!”

Apparently, to Officer Giller at least, ice cream was a good idea. So he took the boy out to a local ice cream shop.

Little did he know it could be the start of an apocalypse.

“When we got to the shop, the little nitwit boy started acting pretty weird,” Officer Giller said. “He was sniffing the air like crazy and his pupils became extremely tiny. And then he started singing!”

Several eyewitness accounts state that immediately upon the nitwit’s entrance in the shop, he started acting like a rabid animal. He ran to the counter, jumped over it, and started stuffing his face with ice cream.

“Yum yum yum!” the nitwit said. “This tastes much better than my sister’s toes, even with ketchup!”

After this statement, everyone, including the employees, fled the shop. The only person left besides the nitwit child was an oblivious man reading a newspaper.

After everyone left, the nitwit seemed to be even more excited. According to onlookers from the outside of the shop, the boy howled, like a wolf, about three times. At first, it seemed like it was pointless, and just another sign of the nitwit’s craziness.

“I was watching the whole thing from outside,” Victoria Selmore, a businesswoman from San Diego, said. “It was very frightening, to be completely honest. But since I am a citizen in the know, I recognized the child immediately as a desperate, lost soul. Very sad. Oh, by the way, be sure to check out my wonderful company, Selmore’s Stuff!“

Suddenly, onlookers say that a group of 3 nitwits rushed into the ice cream shop, and began howling along with the boy already inside. Once they were all together, they began stealing whatever they could find inside the store, while muttering nonsense.

When one onlooker was asked what he thought when the nitwits rushed into the building, he said, “Honestly, I was more concerned about the fact that the toddler girl had no toes! Immediately when she rushed into the building, following the others, I could see her bare feet with no toes!”

Once the nitwits came together, they swiftly ate all the ice cream out of the shop, most likely putting it out of business for a long, long time.

After they ate everything there, they started jumping around and growling for more. The toddler came back from the storage room with a lit match, and after that, the store would be officially out of business for a long, long time.

Once the place was on fire, pure chaos began. Onlookers ran far, far away, and with no one to tell them how to get out, or even that they should get out, the nitwits started dancing inside the now-on-fire ice cream shop.

They only left when the replacement nanny started muttering something about “destroying all of pizza Joe’s relatives.” Once they did leave, they left in a hurry, yelling nonsense to the setting sun.

But where was Officer Giller?

It seems that once the nitwits got loose in the ice cream shop, Officer Giller gave up. He claimed to have had a “long day” with “no break,” and so he left to race around in his car and not get any speeding tickets.

“As I’ve said before, I love my car. It’s the best! It’s shiny and perfect and can fit me inside of it. Plus I can go really fast, and I won’t get a ticket, ‘cuz all my police friends know that I’m a good guy. They call me “Corn Cobby” for a reason!”

– Officer Giller, repeating himself.

Officer Giller is currently on probation for neglecting his work. As part of his punishment, he was also given all the speeding tickets he deserves, and he is now in debt 50,000 dollars.

As for the nitwits: if you see a group of four or more nitwits, including a small boy, a toeless girl, an eighth cousin, and an elderly replacement nanny, beware. Officials suspect they will most likely be found near pizza places, devouring pizza Joe’s relatives and plotting world takeover.

The only bit of hope in this situation? How To For Nitwits is working to stop and educate these nitwits, so at least there’s that.