Officials Panic As Widespread Reports Of Losing Focus Are More Common
On May 30th, 2022, officials worldwide made it clear: something was definitely up. For weeks before then, many ordinary citizens all around the world would be in the middle of completing a task, only to suddenly get distracted by something else, whether it was a task, person, or even thought. And while it may sound harmless, twelve and a half people were severely injured, victims to the dangers of losing focus.
Before now, governments have tried to ignore it, passing it off as nothing more than an individual’s problem to work on, when obviously it was something else. That is, until now.
“Hello, I’m Stacey Lacey, New Zealand’s prime minister,” said Lacey in an interview. “I speak for all of the countries wondrous leaders, when I say that it really was an honest mistake. I mean, people getting injured by losing focus? Preposterous. I mean, that’s what you thought, you see, not what I actually think now, of course. Please don’t sue me!”
After many confusing interviews like this, the How To For Nitwits company has taken it upon ourselves to inform the public of all the truths behind this horrible, problem.
The Statistics
Losing focus has become more and more common in the past year. In fact, howtofornitwits.com has written another article on the topic, “Proven Ways To Get Less Distracted Quickly.” And while that article is from more of a self-help, why-is-this-happening point of view, both articles are very much related.
Now, losing focus is a very pressing issue. Many ordinary citizens today are struggling with it, as well as nitwits. In 2022 alone, 7.8 billion people struggled with this, and nearly 7 million got, at the very least, minor injuries as a result. 12 and a half of those people got severely injured, and had to be hospitalized.
These staggering numbers, although collected by many prestigious professors at The University Of Educational Stuff, have been ignored by many in positions of power for far too long. Professor Kim Pancakeflesh, a professor at the wonderful university, is here to discuss what these numbers mean for everyone.
“When you have staggering numbers like these,” she said, “and no one doing anything about it, well, you’ve really just got a mess! If the government had acknowledged these numbers before hand, and done something about it, we might’ve had a chance.” She went on to say,
“Honestly, I don’t think humanity could possibly survive now. The apocalypse is coming! No one will be able to focus on anything! We’re all done for!”
– Prestigious Professor Pancakeflesh, University Of Educational Stuff
Whether or not this statement is true, it helped to inspire many impressive people to become aware of this problem.
The Turning Point
After many trials and tribulations, it seemed that finally, officials were understanding and caring about the pressing issue. But it wasn’t just a few professors’ good words – in fact, a few particular Twitter influencers also played a big role in this development.
These Twitter influencers, seen in other howtofornitwits.com articles, such as the fantabulous article “The Neglected Son Of Sir Wonderful Demands Respect!” are very popular and very well known. Because of their popularity, and because of the fact that everyone who’s anyone follows their accounts, government officials soon became very aware of the problem with losing focus.
“It was very shocking to find out about this problem,” said Cranberry Ginger-Ale, president of Kyrgyzstan, a small central-Asian country. “None of us government folks were really aware. We had much more important things on our mind, like the meaning of life and the best places to get sushi.”
Effects Of Awareness
Although it was a big part, the battle was not nearly over once the government was notified of this issue. In fact, there was still persuading them to actually do something about it.
Because although the government does make important laws and is overall sort of useful, it can take a while for laws to be passed. American Senator John Bermingham, an expert on the topic, is here to give more information.
Luckily for us, though, the wonderful people heading up this mission had an advantage: they simply knew this would simply happen, so they simply set out a simple bribe.
“The bribe was very simple,” said Corbert “Snorbert” Horbert, a champion of the cause (who also happens to be a dog). “To put it simply, we left a simple little package on the simple little doorstep of the White House, and waited.” Unfortunately, Horbert and her team got a bit confused when it came to the White House. It seems that they assumed that “the White House” was a random house, painted completely white, located on Huckleberry Drive, Michigan. Corbert said,
“How were we supposed to know that the White House was a very specific place? We figured that it was just the nearest…you know, white…house!
– Corbert “Snorbert” Horbert
And although the inhabitants of the home were not the intended recipients of the bribe, they were very delighted to receive the masterfully crafted fruit basket.
After one failure, though, the team did not give up. They knew that their cause was an important one, and they would be written read about in textbooks for centuries to come. So, with this in mind, they decided to hold a bake sale, to raise awareness for the losing-focus cause.
Unfortunately, it did not work.
Neither did the 43 other things they tried, including opening a tuxedo shop, setting the hotdog eating world-record, and posing for many photo shoots.
The Final Straw
After many failures, the government finally started to feel embarrassed and ashamed by Horbert and her comrades, so they finally gave in to do something about the issue.
On the matter, President Looneytunes, the Columbian president, said,
“We didn’t give in because we agreed with the issues they brought up, more of just our being embarrassed of their presence. We didn’t want their existence to hurt our reputations.”
– Columbian President Looneytunes
Government Response
Once the government acknowledged that it was an issue, everyone on Earth let out a sigh of relief at exactly the same time. This caused devastating tornadoes worldwide, which destroyed many cities. The entire state of Alabama completely disappeared.
Besides that, it was overall pretty much the same after the government acknowledged it as it was before. The plague of losing focus is still upon us, so watch out!
Please, in the future, replace any pictures of stupid dogs (and they all are) with ones of Inky “Sir Wonderful.” I don’t care if he’s not in the article. It’s just horrible to have to look at grubby dogs when one could be looking at Inky.
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This loss of focus can be traced to the increasing popularity of coffee beverages like lattes, cappuccinos, macchiatos, frappecinos, mochabinos, lotsofwinos, etc. It’s the “clouds” of pretty foams and creams interfering with the absorption of caffeine. Carly Simon predicted this decades ago when she sang, “I had a dream there were clouds in my coffee, CLOUDS IN MY COFFEE….” The world has been in a downward spiral of focus-loss ever since!
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