A Lack Of Cilantro Is Leading To The World’s Destruction!

Everyone who’s anyone knows that on May 5th, 2022, scientists announced that the world is scheduled to be destroyed very soon. But the important knowledge that has been kept secret from most is that cilantro – or a lack, thereof – is the cause of this impending doom.

Meet The Scientists Who’ve Discovered It All

The first scientist who has helped to discover the knowledge is Alberta Minerva, a scientist who specializes in radioactive lima beans.

Athough Minerva’s knowledge of lima beans does surpass all others’ knowledge of the topic, she did use the helping hands of two other scientists to ultimately discover the world’s state of impending doom.

Javier “Unknown Man” Tornadohauser is one of them. Although he does not work as a scientist, but a carpenter, he says he is still a scientist at heart. “I did the science fair in first grade!” Tornadohauser proudly declared. “I mean, that makes me a scientist, right?”

Whether or not one science fair project made him a scientist before, he certainly has become one now. After being congratulated on his amazing discovery regarding the world’s destruction, Tornadohauser said,

“I am a modest, and very unknown man. So all I will say is this: all of society should bow down to me and my fellow scientists who made this discovery! We are the most awesome people of all time!”

– Javier “Unknown Man” Tornadohauser, being modest

Last but not least is another scientist who worked on this mind-boggling project…Elena Loolooland.

Not much is known about Elena Loolooland, and she won’t give any interviews about herself. Rumor has it she was raised by giraffes and was only brought to civilization on April 10th, 2022.

How Was This Discovery Made?

Now that we know the scientists who made the discovery, the question is, how did they do it? How did they realize that the world will be destroyed very, very soon?

“It’s really quite simple,” Minerva said. “One day I hired Javier to do his carpenter work to make my house nicer. While he was there, I had Elena Loolooland over. Suddenly, at the exact same time, we all fainted! Like, I mean, dropped onto the floor with our eyes closed! When we stopped fainting, we discovered that we had the same vision…the world will be destroyed soon!”

When asked to add on to Minerva’s thoughts, Tornadohauser said,

“Ditto everything Minerva said.”

– Javier “Unknown Man” Tornadohauser, adding important new thoughts to the conversation.

How Does Cilantro Have To Do With Any Of This?

Now that we know how the scientists found this amazing discovery, what does cilantro have to do with it?

“Even though not everyone likes cilantro, it is one of the most important things in the world. Possibly the most important, besides Inky “Sir Wonderful” Ankowski,” said Tornadohauser. “So after we got the vision all at the same time, we scientifically hypothesized that cilantro must have to do with it!”

According to Tornadohauser, Minerva, and Loolooland, cilantro is thought of by many to be the “fingernails of the earth.” In other words, cilantro is strongly connected to our world, and when you use cilantro for something, you put the world through a great deal of pain.

“With this famous cilantro-fingernail idea in mind, we can assume that the world used too much cilantro, therefore taking off all ten of the earth’s fingernails,” Minerva said. “And everyone knows they’re done for if all ten of their fingernails fall off.” She continued by saying,

“So, really, the world will be destroyed any day now.”

– Alberta Minerva, a scientist specializing in radioactive lima beans

Background Information: A Brief History Of Cilantro

This concludes everything we know about cilantro.

Why Is The Truth About Cilantro Being Kept Secret?

Now that you, my dear reader, understand and believe cilantro’s connection to the impending doom of the world, why would Number 3 News – or any other news source – keep this such a secret? Delphine Baron, news anchor for Number 3 News, is here to tell us her point of view.

One thing is for sure, though: the scientists who made the discovery did not want this to remain a secret. “I speak for all the scientists who made this discovery with me,” Minerva said, “and I can tell you for sure, we desperately want everyone to know about this calamity. I mean, just this second, pounds of cilantro are being used for who-knows-what! This is a huge issue everyone needs to know about.”

So What Can You Do To Help?

“When ordinary citizens come to me and want to help solve this issue,” Tornadohauser said, “I tell them the truth. They can’t do anything to help! I may be an unknown man, but I don’t have the powers to go back in time! If only we had known this was the situation two years ago. Then I’d tell you to stop using cilantro. But no! Of course not! I’m a very special, very unknown man, but of course the universe had to wait until we were in the middle of a disaster to give me a vision! It’s so unfair! I will sue everyone! I have good carpenter skills, and I’m a scientist now, so I can probably sue the universe really easily! It’s just not fair. Why do we always have to become aware of huge problems when they’re happening to us right now?! Ugh, I just can’t believe the world will be destroyed so soon, and so much of the population has no idea of what’s going on. I mean, and for the world to be destroyed because of cilantro? It deserves a better way to go out! Like, I dunno, an alien invasion or something like that! Can aliens pleeeeeeease come to invade real quick? That would make everything better! Then I’d have a dramatic story to tell before the world is exploded. As it is, the only story I have to tell is how I fainted in unison with one lima bean specialist and one lady who was raised by giraffes! It’s just not fair! My life was destined to be more! I lived many sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, years as a sad old carpenter. But I’m a scientist now! I deserve better! Ugh, this is so unfair. I swear I won’t let this happen! It’s just not fair! I’m going to pout in my room until the world is exploded. That’s right, no more carpentering for me! I’m better than that now! I’m a scientist! I did the science fair in first grade! I discovered that an unknown man can hold his breath for thirty-one seconds! And for some probably biased reason, the judges didn’t even give me one single prize! Ugh, life is so unfair. But no, you can’t do ANYTHING ABOUT IT! I’m an unknown man! I deserve better, I really do…”