How To Move: A Guide For Nitwits
Are you a poor, sad nitwit struggling with life? Although How To For Nitwits is making a gigantic, glorious, and mind blowing change to nitwits’ educations, there are still gaps that need to be filled. One of those gaps is learning how to move.
“Moving is a difficult concept for nitwits and non-nitwits alike,” said Professor Polly Porkman, who specializes in nitwit mobility at the University Of Educational Stuff. “Sometimes even supposedly normal people need a little help, and a bit of a refresher on the concept.”
What is moving?
As Professor Porkman explains, moving is when you change position. And although most know how to move, some find this concept very difficult.
How to move
As you can see from the video, many nitwits have trouble purposefully moving. To start, think about what you want. Maybe it’s food, maybe it’s water, maybe it’s to get somewhere different.
Once you know what you want, think about how you can get it. Like if it’s food, you will have to get to the fridge. (See How To For Nitwits: How To Eat for more details on eating.)
Then, depending on what you have to do to get what you want, you will need to use different muscles. If you need to transport yourself somewhere new, you have to use your leg muscles. If you need to carry something, you need to use your arm and hand muscles.
Once you know all that, you need to really, really, really focus all your brainpower on the task that you want to complete. Let’s say that it’s taking one step forwards. To start, you would focus as hard as you can on lifting one of your feet up.
Once you have your foot hovering in the air, focus on bringing it back down, a little bit ahead of where it was before. Then, repeat the same process with the other foot. Go back and forth in a pattern like that, until you get to the place where you want to go.
This is a difficult process for a nitwit to learn, so it is fine if you struggle with this at first. It may take you a very, very, very long time to take one step, and that’s okay.
In fact, on average, it takes a normal nitwit 88 hours to walk a few feet while they are first learning.
As for other types of moving, like grabbing and carrying things, talking, or even blinking, just remember to focus hard and practice often.
Warning: Dangerous side effects are common
Although learning how to move is valuable information for everyone, side effects have happened. A lot.
Here is a list of some of the many side effects that have occurred.
| Side effect | Number of people affected | Image |
| Brains tragically and dramatically exploding | 132.5 |  |
| Noses falling off faces for no apparent reason | 128 |  |
| Hallucinating that everyone around them is a hotdog | 101.1 |  |
| Having no bones | 96 |  |
| Livers turning to sawdust | 87.99999992 |  |
| Turning into a happy little flower in a happy little garden | 74.5 |  |
| Gaining a slightly excessive craving for blood | 62 |  |
| Bird-breath | 36 |  |
Overall
Overall, even though the side effects are plentiful, don’t let them scare you!
If you want to know more on how to move, this wonderful resource made by Polly Porkman is your best bet. Simply type in your name and question, and you can get a personalized answer in seconds, from Polly Porkman herself!
Can Polly Porkman make new answers? Those answers didn’t help me! I want to know if statues move. I want to know if you can move if you’re dead. Are there any other side effects that happen when you move?